A Pair of Jacks
by EditorIncredulous
Summary: Playing around with alien tech is never a good idea. Some of it gets people killed. Others are just kooky - like sending the Torchwood gang on a tour of Owen's stack of movies, chasing down Jack. Again. Totally goofy, please enjoy.


_Torchwood. Outside the government, beyond the police. And, unfortunately, beyond my ownership, otherwise the third season woulda been a lot longer than five episodes. Just saying... And Pirates... much as I would LOVE to claim ownership of all the yumminess... no. Darn it, no. _

_So, not at all up to my usual standards. Just a bit of fun, playing off the pair of Jacks this combo provided. Meh, I may do something with it later - the alien artifact has some interesting possibilities... _

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><p>The Torchwood gang kicked open yet another door.<p>

Ianto looked around, taking in the furnishings. "Dark, half-rotted wood, musty, smells like salt..." His step forward was heralded by a _squish_ noise. He looked down and made a face. "Seaweed and bilgewater. I'd say we're at sea."

Gwen rolled her eyes. "Why don't you have any _normal_ flicks, eh, Owen? City-based? Someplace where our communicators might actually work?"

"It's doubtful that our communicators would work in any case," Tosh commented off-handedly, buried as she was in her tech gadget, which, despite her words to the contrary, was working just fine. "Movie-verse isn't like real life."

"And our real lives are so much like reality, eh?" Owen torqued his head around the narrow space, pistol at the ready should any nasty beasties show up.

"Is that why you like fantasy so much, Owen?" Gwen was learning a lot more about her one-time lover than she ever had previously. She'd had no idea he was a Lord of the Rings junkie...at least until they'd burst into into what looked like a fiery wasteland and nearly gotten flayed by something that Owen had called an 'Uruk-hai.' Tosh had barely located the exit in time, and they'd still wound up leaving one of Ianto's shoes behind in the grip of an orc. She still didn't get the point of the latest alien gimmick they'd picked up - so far as she could tell, it whisked you into the nearest stack of digital media and then wouldn't let you out until you located the glowing blue exit shimmer - which, then, only let you into the next movie. It was only their bad luck that Jack had vanished into Owen's pile of DVD's and they'd had to come in after him.

"You might say that," Owen replied to Gwen's comment, glancing about. "Where we at this time, then? Looks bloody familiar..."

Tosh was poking at another spot on her scanner. "Any sign of Jack?" she asked.

"Jack?" The light from above was eclipsed as a figure descended the ladder, turning to reveal a handsome face that was nevertheless creased with anger and suspicion. "Who are you, and why are you looking for the captain?"

Gwen blinked. "Orlando? Is that you?"

"Will? Who is it?" A second figure came down into the hold.

"Kiera Knightly?" Owen, of course.

"Funny, you don't look like a girl," commented... Will.

"We're looking for Jack."

"Yes, we know him well. Unfortunately..." the woman said from her stronghold behind her man, hand on his shoulder in a show of support. "We're looking for him too, have you seen him?"

"Now why would we be looking for him if we'd found him?" Owen's dry, sarcastic humor bit into the group.

"I don't know," Will replied, just as bitingly, "But why would you be looking for him on the one ship he's guaranteed not to be on?"

"Why wouldn't he be on _this _ship?" Tosh asked, finally looking up from her scanner. "Hello...what are you dressed as, now?"

The couple exchanged a glance. "Us? What about you?"

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Oh forget this... Jack! Jack, where are you! Jack!"

"Did somebody call me?" A truly wacky-looking guy in full pirate regalia complete with braided goatee, high leather boots, and cutlass, stepped out of the shadows.

"Jack!" The movie-couple launched themselves forward. "What are you doing here?" "We thought you were lost!"

Ianto, unperturbed, still kept calling. "Jack! You stubborn ass, get back here!"

"I'm right here...strange...person," the pirate addressed him.

Owen slapped his forehead. "_Pirates of the Carribean! _Of course, how could I be so stupid?" He holstered his weapon and approached him with an outstretched hand and a smile. "Pleasure to meet you, Captain Jack!"

"Someone call?" A second figure stepped from the shadows, greatcoat swirling about his knees.

"Jack!"

"Yes, we've established that already," said the pirate captain.

"Tosh?" Jack asked. "Tell me you've got us a way out of here. This is screwy even by _my _standards."

The Japanese girl punched a few codes. "Yes... yes, there's a permanent exit five yards..._that_ way." She pointed with her stylus, straight through the wall of the ship.

Gwen's eyes followed the path. "Um, Tosh? That's in the middle of the ocean."

"Well, that's where it is, then, isn't it?"

Owen rolled his eyes. "Looks like we're going for a swim."

Jack Sparrow nodded upwards. "I've got a plank if you like."

Jack Harkness grinned. "I've always wanted to walk the plank."

Ianto quelled him with a glare. "As soon as we get home, you're getting a talking-to about using alien technology without proper supervision."

"Rawr," commented Harkness.

"Out," Gwen directed, herding the group up the ladder. "And Owen? We're getting you some decent movies once we get out of here. If I've got to be trapped in a stack of films, I want a good romantic comedy or two."

"I don't know, could be worse - I could have had a bunch of slasher films."

"...Tosh? We sure this is the exit? I don't fancy meeting Jigsaw."

"Jigsaw, nothing," said Jack. "I don't want to wind up back in that animated monstrosity I was in - so cute and fluffy that I was gagging."

"...animated cuteness, Owen?"

The medic flushed to his roots. "I'm holding it for a friend."

"A friend."

"You have friends outside of Torchwood?"

"Oh, lay off." He elbowed Ianto aside and stalked across the plank.

Jack grinned. "Do a cannonball!"

Owen flashed him a rude hand signal before jumping, disappearing in the now-familiar flash of blue that was the sign of a successful exit.

Gwen turned to Jack. "What were you hoping to get out of this?"

He grinned. "To meet my namesake, of course." He bowed in Jack Sparrow's direction. "It was a pleasure meeting you."

Sparrow grinned back, a bit uneasily. "Any time mate. Just don't forget the rum next time. Eh?"

Jack followed Gwen onto the plank, the last of the Torchwood crew to go. He swept a parting bow before turning and executing a neat swan dive off the end of the plank, the shimmering blue mouth engulfing him and ushering him back into the firm walls of their Torchwood reality.

Jack rolled as he hit the floor, coming to his feet with a truncated laugh of pleasure. "Well, that was a ride," he commented.

Ianto gave him a withering look, tapping his wet, stockinged foot on the floor a tad impatiently. The rest of the crew just ignored the captain, taking stock of variously torn, muddied, and burned clothing.

The irrepressible Jack shrugged. "What?"


End file.
